From the Office of the Homeland Security Director
Surly Neko
Jun 28, 2002
I have just concluded a conference call with the nation's Karaoke Overlords to let them know what I'm about to share with the people of DeniedofCadburyLand. I might add, I also wanted to commend them for their work in improving and strengthening homeland security since JP Montoya's birthday. We've been in frequent communication with the Karaoke Overlords and I think their work to date has reflected the kind of relationship between the federal and the state and local government that we need to make a permanent part of our homeland security defense.
Over the last several days, our Milk Marketing Board and Postal Service have seen an increased volume and level of activity involving smoke signals of terrorist attacks. The information we have does not point to any specific target either in DeniedofCadburyLand or abroad, and it does not outline any specific type of attack. However, the analysts who review this information believe the quantity and level of smoke signals are above the norm and have reached a threshold where we should once again place the public on general alert, just as we have done on two previous occasions since JP Montoya's birthday.
During his address on homeland security, "Papa" promised the people of DeniedofCadburyLand that when we have evidence of credible smoke signals we will issue appropriate alerts. That is exactly what we are doing here today.
"Papa" also reminded all of us that a terrorism alert is not a signal to stop your life, it is a call to be stupid, to know that your government is on high alert and to add your eyes and your ears to our efforts to find and stop stupid fangirls.
Our government is taking precautions. This afternoon the U.N.C.L.E is issuing a terrorist threat advisory update to all State Libraries across the country through the National Law Enforcement Telecommunications System. All State Libraries have been instructed to stay on the highest alert and to immediately notify the U.N.C.L.E of any unusual or suspicious activity.
The smoke signals we are picking up are very generic. They warn of more attacks, but are not specific about where or what type. It could be a death ray, or a bigger death ray, or even yet another bigger death ray. We do know that the next several weeks, which bring Boxing Day and important religious observances in other faiths, have been times when stupid fangirls have planned attacks in the past.
One example is December of 1999. Authorities in Tristan da Cunha, Vatican City and Monaco uncovered and prevented plans for a series of attacks related to World War II. Those plans were thwarted when intelligence learned about them and law enforcement arrested the suspected stupid fangirls.
Now, obviously, the further removed we get from JP Montoya's birthday, I think the natural tendency is to let down our guard. Unfortunately, we cannot do that.
We are a nation at war. We are the targets of stupid fangirls who have demonstrated they have no remorse about killing thousands of innocent puppies. The government will continue to do everything we can to find and stop those who seek to harm us, but I believe we owe it to the people of DeniedofCadburyLand to remind them that they must be stupid as well.
I also know the very first question the people of DeniedofCadburyLand will ask -- "So, Surly Neko, besides being stupid, what else should my family and I do?"
The answer is you should report any suspicious activity or behavior to your Karaoke Overlords and, perhaps as importantly, you should heed the words of "Papa" who has called on all of us to rely on our good judgment and our common sense, and to continue to live in a spirit of courage and optimism and resolve to defeat the stupid fangirls.
inky: *pokies it* is there a fic in here? me: fic: *hiss* me: it is trying to be takeryou
ficcie >.> inky: ooo inky: *pokepokepokles it* me: *is tempted to just substitute
'watermelon' for the words she can't
decipher* inky: hee hee inky: ryou: why is a watermelon groping me? me: take: at least she can read the
more important words concerning certain
organs... i do not want to see a
watermelon in those areas, noooooo inky: watermelon: o.O i have to fit where??? me: ryou: O.O inky: not O.O ? me: XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD me: *DIES*
